I had finally done it. I moved on from Brown Skin. Although are last fuck session was intense I knew he was not the type of man I wanted in my life. Great dick would never make up for him being so self-absorbed. I finally had control over my life. My best friend and I were hitting the clubs hard. This single woman was ready to mingle and see what the DMV had to offer. Before I could blink a flash from the pass re-entered my life. I was into when I met him originally, but couldn’t pursue it because I was in a relationship at the time. He seen me living the party life through my Instagram pictures and decided to comment. Me being flirty I want to see him right away. Schedules got crossed and we had a little trouble making it happen.
A few weeks later I decided to invite him to my house for dinner. It was in our first moment when his kiss captured my soul. Years and years of dating and no man had ever kissed me so passionately before. I was hooked. His spirit lifted me out of the gutter into sunshine. I never expected to feel. I felt his energy each time he bit down on my neck. It felt good to have someone to laugh with and embrace without having a schedule attached to him. I’ve never been one for cuddling, but I couldn’t resist his arms. This was a man. This is what I had wanted all along. After a while I nicknamed him Vampire because he could bit down on my neck and not leave any marks. Pure talent; especially since I bruise so easily. It felt like we were in our own world and nothing outside of us existed. I was happy.
Vampire told me he had to leave town for a month. I was fine with that because I knew he had to handle business. I told him I would wait for him and I did. As the third week approach I begin to feel sick. Me being stubborn I hit the pharmacy for some over the counter throat medications. After using them for a couple of day I didn’t feel any relief. My best friend urged me to go to the doctor. Turns out I had a bad case of strep throat. The doctor prescribed me antibiotics and told me that it will clear up. I was glad I found out when I did because Vampire was coming home in a week and I didn’t want to pass it along to him. After a few days my throat didn’t feel as bad anymore, but my vagina did. Most women get a yeast infection when they take antibiotics so I went to the store and grabbed a Monistat 7. After using it for the full week and not experiencing any change in my symptoms I schedule an appointment with my GYN.
As my doctor walked into the room to examining me she said that I had a really bad yeast infection and gave me a prescription. This wasn’t good because tonight I was going to pick up Vampire from the airport and I really want to have sex. I mean it had been a whole month of me missing his lips pressed against mine. Although I wasn’t happy about it I knew I had to wait. Once I got him in my car I told him that there wouldn’t be any sexual activity tonight. He was fine with it. When we got back to my place I made him something to eat. After I satisfied his hunger we went to lie down in my bedroom. I was happy to be back in his arms. After awhile of us laying there I begin to perform oral sex on him. I had missed doing it and he needed the release. Beside even though we couldn’t have sexual intercourse there were other things we could do.
After being on the medications my doctor prescribed the week before it seem like my symptoms were getting worse. I ended up going back to my doctor who asked me to contact the guy I was dealing with a few months ago because he may need to get treated for the yeast infection. When I left the office I immediately texted Brown Skin and told him to go to the doctors because he may have a yeast infection.
He texted back “I’ve already been treated, but thank you for telling me”
This was confusing for me because I had just found out not to long ago. My curiosity got the best of me and I texted him back “What did you get treated for?”
“Chlamydia and Gonorrhea” he replied.
My phone drop to the floor as tears began to stream down my face.
“I can’t believe I’m opening this door back up” she whispers to herself while driving up 95N. Months before she had decided that the feelings she had for him must die. You can’t love a person who refuses to love you back even if you can feel that they do. Feeling it is not enough. When a man is into a woman the whole world should know it, but here I am driving to him again. After receiving many text messages from him asking me to come up to see him; I finally caved in. This time I texted him. I’ve learned that my body has a problem rejecting him. He is able to touch me in places I hope my future husband will be able to reach one day. In the back of my mind I knew I was making a big mistake, but for some reason I was unable to make a U-turn and go home.
Although it’s been awhile since I been to his place my natural instinct still feel very familiar with the area. I remember when I felt like he was the one. As soon as the thought enter my head a cloud of sadness overcame me. Our reality had proving that it will never be a possibility. To make matters worse I know that when I am ready to move on with my life that he will feel how much love I really felt for him. Getting easily distracted by my thoughts I get lost in his neighborhood. After a few failed attempts to reach his place I finally make it. At this point I’m exhausted and want to lie down immediately. As I enter the door I can smell him throughout the home. He isn’t here yet because he is still working. I go towards the bedroom and remove my pants and shirt. The bed awaits me. His bed is so comfortable that I fall asleep almost instantly to the sounds of South Park playing on the television.
Sleep turned into sex before I could fully open my eyes. I didn’t even hear him come in the house. All I felt was his mouth on my booty. I knew he would do what I love. In that moment his tongue begins to lick the crack of my booty. I felt like he had a point to prove; as if he wanted me to remember what he was capable of offering me in the bedroom. I could tell he had missed it. He miss all these memorable sexual moments that only him and I had the power to create. He got the moans that he craved when he started to eat me out. I had forgot what this felt like. As my moans became uncontrollable I kept in my head that it was just sex. I could not allow his licks and touches to overpower my judgment this go around. I was there for a reason; to enjoy the only thing he had ever offered me… sex. I’d be a fool to go back down that slippery road of rejection. I could keep yearning him the way I do, but it would lead me to nowhere.
As I force my thoughts to pause he puts my legs over his shoulders. At this point my pussy was soak and desperately wanting his dick to enter me. I’ve never been one on dick size but his is above anything I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had men with big dicks, but they never worked it like him. My walls could feel all his strength constantly hitting my inner walls. He felt better than I remembered. He started to bite on my neck and breast. I was in paradise.
“I missed this. Did you miss daddy dick?” he said while stroking me like a champ.
Hesitantly I replied “Yes I missed it”. I hated to admit it, but I had to be honest with myself.
He kept repeat that he missed it and that nobody can fuck me the way that he could. He was right. Our connection was still undeniably thick. My flood gates opened as his dick thrashed in and out of me.
“Flip over” he instructed me.
I did as I was told and got into the doggy style position. He began to bang it out as I tried to run from it. I could feel him in my guts, but what can I say pain is pleasure. He was so focused on satisfying me. This time felt different. I felt like he needs me for the first time at that very moment; even if it was to nourish his sexual appetite. I’ve realize that people are in your life for a reason. He might be in mine for sex now, but things have a tendency to change. I’ve expected more than sex from him because I knew I was falling for him. Deep down I knew that this is all it would be for right now. As we both reached our peak we fell asleep peacefully. As the sun rose, so did I. I put on my clothes and made my way to work. Before leaving I walked over to him and gently kissed him on the forehead without awaking him. At this point there was no need for any word. If we were to cross path again so be it. I began with expectations; I left without them.
Guys, how many times have you found yourself in the middle of an argument with your lady and you stop and say to yourself: “How did we get here? I wasn’t EVEN mad at the start.” What I’ve come to realize is that the escalation of the conversation can only occur if YOU lose control of YOUR emotions. Simple as that. Let me break this down further.
Now, we hear all the time that women are emotionally based creatures. They cry for no reason or get mad at the drop of a hat because of something they concocted in their own head. Hell, they even suffer from extreme flashbacks of something that happened months ago and project such blazing anger upon you as if you just did whatever pissed her off. So, if we accept this to be truth and gospel, then let’s apply this logic to the way they express themselves when angry. They will say whatever makes them feel vindicated at the time despite how it’ll make you feel.
“That’s why you got a little dick.”
“Why don’t you go back to that raggedy bitch!?!”
“What you lookin at her ass for? I’ve got 2 minutes to wait. Won’t take you long to cum.”
“You’re mama’s a bitch.”
Am I right on this or at least hitting somewhat close to home? Alright, so when this inevitably happens, what do you do? Go back and forth? Ignore her? Chris Brown her ass? NO!! You take it and let her get it out of her system so that you can get to the core of the REAL problem. It’s a technique called “Ducking & Dodging” where you see what she’s saying as something to get a rise out of you. Therefore, it’ll be easier for you to not take what she says as personally as you normally would.
Now, you’re going to ask why she’s even doing all of that because it’s not that serious, right? Well, there’s multiple reasons behind her actions but among the most prevalent are that she would like to piss you off because she wants the playing field to be even and it’ll make her feel good in the process. Yet the main reason she’s poppin’ off is because she’s still working out her feelings and can only do so via verbal expression. I know that’s outside of our realm of understanding but that is what’s going on in her mind and in her heart at the moment.There’s an anthropological reason for the difference between men and women but I can explain that at another time. Bottom line, if you understand what she’s doing, you can control the situation and manage things like the man you should be. If you don’t get sucked into the emotional maelstrom that she’s projecting, you can pace the conversation and let her burn off the steam while delving deeper into what’s truly bothering her. It’ll take some work but eventually, you will get to the core of what’s tearing your lady apart. Most likely, it’ll sound a little something like this:
“I don’t feel like you are listening to me.”
“I feel like you flirt too much and that hurts.”
“I’m afraid to lose you and what we have.”
“I don’t feel like we spend enough time together.”
It’s all about having the patience and love for this woman that you are willing to go through this process. Most young men feel like they don’t have to take the crap and find someone else. Yet the little known aspect of women is that THEY’RE ALL LIKE THIS!!! You can’t get away from this reality unless you’re paying a chick on a weekly basis to blow you and leave you alone.Look, it’s going to be easier said than done…controlling yourself while in the presence of someone who just doesn’t care about what you feel at the moment. It’s one of the duties that men are supposed to have but aren’t really taught nowadays. Consider your parents; they can only teach you what they know…not what they don’t know. These are relationship skills that will help you keep things in check and as the man in the relationship, you’ve gotta step up. Remember, you’ve got broad shoulders for a reason.
I want to forget the feeling you gave to me,
Cause you never had it,
The looks I gave you,
Cause you never noticed,
I want to forget the future I seen,
Cause you never saw the present,
The depth of my moans lye across your sheets,
But you are too absorbed in your world to listen,
I had only hope for a moment,
Intertwine within each others fears and doubts,
Upwards pulling through an array of clouds,
Yet still there was no light,
Hope and imagination shattered,
My heart empty and still,
Emotions became the enemy,
Happiness quickly turned to sorrow,
This battle should have ended before it begin,
Against all of your odds I wanted us to win,
Kicking at a door thats was always heavily guarded,
I came equipped and couldn’t get through,
Talks of what it could have been disappear into the night sky,
The moon light reflects off my skin as the first tear hits my pillow,
I knew the end was here,
Fear of never feeling again appears near.
Everyday I’m in a battle with my emotions. I’ve always based everything off of energy. The moments I don’t connect are a waste of time. There was a time where I thought my methods to find love were a little crazy, but now I know if I would have followed my heart that a lot of dudes would have never gotten a shot with me. So here I stand; 29 and wiser. I can no longer waste my time with men that I have no connection with. Going on a date is not going to bring a connection either. It’s all in the moment I meet you. For me there is no coming around. I absolutely have to connect with your energy. Honestly it tells me everything I need to know about a person. I am discovering though that if I have a connection with you it doesn’t give you the right to treat me like shit. I just cancelled out a situation like that. I deserve more; no matter how strong the connection is.
Everyone always tells me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and they’re right. I don’t believe in tug of war emotions. Why limit and hold in what I am feeling? If I’m feeling you I will tell you straight out. You never have to guess with me. Apparently being this way can be bad because people tend to take advantage of you so that they can have the upper hand. Part of me is hesitant to share my feelings with someone now because it hasn’t been beneficial. Although I’m not afraid of the pain I would like to limit the amount of heartbreaks I go through. I also need to remind myself that just because my feelings for someone are intense doesn’t mean that the person will feel the same way you do. I’m done limiting myself. My problem has always been that I would meet someone, have a connection, and stop exploring my options. I can no longer do that because I am going off the assumption that we may grow together. I’m usually wrong. Now I explore my option until the person’s actions show me that he wants something more exclusive. Can’t get serious over something that wasn’t your to begin with. The only fool in this situation will be you. I’m not looking for a man that when you ask him a question he tap dances around the answer or when you text him he hits you back a week later.
I get more pissed off at myself because I ignore the signs. For months he clearly showed me his disinterest, but my emotions took over and clouded my judgment. After him I am more cautious and I tread lightly when it comes to giving you my feelings. I have to be real with myself and realize that everyone I have a connection with isn’t worth loving or attempting to fall in love with. At this moment everything is based off of action. Now if I don’t see action on your part than don’t expect my loyalty on mine. I feel like now and day’s people have more loyalty to social networking than they do in their personal lives. I’ve asked guys how they felt about me and wouldn’t get a response. Then they would go get validation about us from a social media site. Since when did you have to start justifying your feelings for people online? Then we wonder why relationships crump faster than sand dropping to the pavement. Do I still believe that I will be in love one day? Yes I do, but I will continue argue with it daily. There is no point in settling. There is no time to waste. Every moment could become your moment of truth.
I come to you not in a good place. I am filled with doubt and regret. The pain makes me feel that I should have made better choices in my life. As I creep up to my last year of college it gets more difficult. I want to keep pursing what I’ve worked so hard for, but I’m feeling burnt out. The hardest thing to do is be a full time mother, student, and employee. Half way through the quarter I stop giving a fuck which isn’t my greatest choice. I’ve been off and on with school since 2004. I’ve notice that when thing aren’t right with my job then everything is wrong with school. I mean jobs have tuition reimbursement and that’s great but rarely do they understand what it takes to pursue a degree while working. Every time I have taking a break from school it has been because of my work demands with my employer. Do you know how frustrating that is to me? They under pay me because I don’t have the degree although I have over ten year experience. In the corporate world you are validate by what type of degree you hold. I wish I was in a position where I could just focus on my studies for once.
I don’t know one person that is or has tried to accomplish what I am under the same circumstances. I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend to lean on like a majority of my classmates. It’s only me. I’m responsible for everything. If I drop the ball the pavement will crack. I love to learn. Being a great student has always been a big part of me. I just don’t know what steps to take to make it a number one priority. I love my son. I look at him and my biggest fear is to let him down. When I feel like I’m losing hope I feel like the biggest failure to him. I want him to see his mother strengthen. I want him to see that he can do anything no matter his circumstances. Everyone says that I am driven and their right, but I have my weak moments too. I’m not perfect nor do I want to be. I want to cry, get angry, and zap out sometime. I’m human. Nobody ever said that this would be easy. I’m learning that maybe I shouldn’t put a deadline on everything. Maybe I should do as much as I can and not overload myself. My expectations for myself have always been extremely high.
I came from being homeless and barely eating as a kid. Sleeping on countless floors was a normal thing. I know how bad life can get and I’m thankful for how far one of Tina’s kids came. People didn’t think the daughter of a woman who had her first child at fourteen would amount to much, but I did. I don’t live off social services and I’m proud that I am able to say that. My mom may have not been able to provide us with much, but her wisdom is my foundation. She is the reason that I’ve accomplished as much as I have. I learned from her scarifies. I hope my son can learn from mine.
I write this as I remove my yoga pants and get ready for bed. My thoughts of you hold me hostage. I pull out the night clothes that I wore at your house last night. I smile because I can smell the scent of you. I slowly inhale to take in your sweet intoxication. I know the further this goes the deeper it gets. My initial outlook of us has changed. Sex no longer being sex but becoming passion. My heart sings a song conducted by your orchestra. I’m at a point in my life were nobody’s words matters accept yours. Each beat my heart makes is musically attuned to an unbreakable thought of what’s becoming. The depth of my feelings flow across me as if you laid beside me. I realize that you are more than I ever expected you to be. I’m so caught up in this moment that I fear looking away.
Last night as you worked I glowed within. My brown eyes stayed on you and everyone else didn’t existed. I could tell you were exhausted, but that didn’t stop you from giving your all. You definitely showed out! It’s always been weird to see you at work because I’ve been so intrigued in learning the man outside of that. This is deep. You can stay were you are and these feelings will remain. I’m not here to impress you. Your not here to impress me. I’ve always been concern on how you make me feel when we have a chance to be together. These feelings oversee everything else. I don’t want to be on the scene. I don’t want any materialistic items that are replaceable. I rather have you, the moments, and eventually your heart. I pause for a moment and close my eyes. I can envision what you and I could become with time. I told you I don’t want to deal with any other dude because you are greatness. I feel like you are worth the wait. I’ve been fighting with my heart for months now. This has becoming a loosing battle for me. You have won although I question my hearts choices. I wait for the moment when you are able to tell me what I am supposed to be to you? As tears stream down my face I grow more afraid of the unknowing. My head tells me to be more rational and my heart tells me to hold on to you. I lay here terrified of your answers. I lay here denying reality. I lay here hoping my heart isn’t misleading.
When you straddled me last night I never wanted to let you go. I tried to make that moment last forever. Laying next to you felt right. When I awoke this morning I couldn’t help but to look at how peaceful you looked as you slept. Your job keeps you on such a fast pace that it was refreshing to see you still. You are what my dreams consist of now. I believe that sometimes things come together in such a way that makes even what would appear incompatible, perfectly harmonious. I can’t let go of the possibility. I hope this path I walk leads me in the right direction.
Today is the day I am awake. For months my eyes have been close while walking on a tight rope in mid air. Sometime things start out the way we want them. When the end is near it comes hard and leaves you with battle scars. After contacting my ex for some dick and him giving me another emotional speech I am over dealing with emotions. He is the reason for that. Yes I just wanted the dick. I didn’t contact you; my hormones did. I guess since we broke up he got saved because he seems to have this new found clarity. I wonder where it was when he was lying and hiding his kids from me. It’s funny how life works. You think you know a person, but time tells everything. After him I convinced myself I was over giving someone any parts to my emotions. Then I met you; the game changer. Sex I thought my ex was giving me made him look whack when I started fucking you. I had taken what I needed. Then what I needed begin to increase and the issues begin to flood. I never cared about the music. I never wanted to know about it. I only want to know you. I’ve definitely learned that nothing else in the world exist when music does.
I’ve been told by many that you either get a good guy or you get great sex. If that is the case then I will pass on a lot of shit. Have you ever just been tired of being someone’s girlfriend? I’m definitely at that stage. It’s like soon as you tell a guy how you feel they think “relationship”. That is far fetch. I don’t want one, but does that mean I can’t care about you. I mean damn. The reason I’m so stuck on you is because nothing is comparable. I’m not happy that I like you. You knew that from the moment I told you. It freaks me the fuck out to feel again. Last time I felt it was like a bomb exploded in my chest. I thought I was done with this bullshit. I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles. At this point I don’t know what is left. For once I wish a guy would tell me what the situation is instead of telling me “It’s up to you”. Tell me that you are looking to just fuck. Tell me you have three kids. Be real damn it. That shit isn’t going to break me. It’s going to make me respect you more. If you say what you want it to be than a woman has no room to cross any boundaries. Why do men tip toe around question. I can’t stand that. I’ve always like blunt honesty and I’m telling you it barely exist.
So I sit and wonder. Will men take a stand and become more honest with their expectation?